I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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