i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
This baby is an asshole
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
