nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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