Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize