When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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