I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
