there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
