why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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