Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
