i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize