On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
