New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
