The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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