I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize