Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Randomize
