You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
