My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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