Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
