i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
