i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
