I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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