How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
