She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
