Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
