u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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