dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
