my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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