her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
