taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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