he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
