So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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