even my farts smell like vagina
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
