When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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