There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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