i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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