Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
