I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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