Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
