I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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