Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
