my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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