Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
