I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
