it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
