The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
