i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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