I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
