the condom got lost in my hair
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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