I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
