I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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