this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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