I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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