I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
