gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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