I hate your face
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
pray to the hookup gods
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
