Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
