I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
