i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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